Trifle with this

Mar 16, 2007 at 10:15 PM
52 comments

Lately, kids, I have been taking stock. Mainly because sometimes when I am sitting across from someone who barely knows me, or thinks they know me, or tells me something about myself that they think they have figured out, I am tempted to reach across the divide, take their hand and say, "Do you know who you are trifling with?" See I have a motherly veneer, a generous spirit and it fools certain fools into thinking they can put me into a category or dismiss my power.

I have earned every scar, every gold star and every reason to sing off-key or laugh too loudly or bare my life for others if I want to. I have seen things. I have been places. I have walked long miles into some harsh winds. You think you know me? Try again.

I have been a cheerleader, a waitress, a protester, an abused woman. I have been a stay-at-home mom and a working mom. I have experienced abortion, miscarriage and the death of a son. I have gotten into the New York Times news room on sheer persistance and Midwestern niceness. I have feared for my life. I have been arrested. I have faced my own arrested development. I have played on the first varsity girls soccer team in the state. I have appeared in an after-school movie. I have raised three sons alone. I have lost my shoe while stinking drunk. I have lost financial security. I have won awards as a journalist. I have been hounded by lawyers and creditors. I have been given hundreds of thousands of dollars from the people who love me most. I have failed and had to try again as a parent. I lived for 18 years with another's mental illness. I have filed a restraining order. I have climbed mountains. I have written books. I have had great love. I have had long years with none. I have believed and I have doubted. I have built things with my own hands. I have broken things out of rage and necessity. I have been a good and trusted friend. I have been robbed. I have stolen. I have been fucked over and well-fucked.

And that's just the short list.

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brava

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Fuck ya! I know why I like you. So many reasons, but this post is one of the best.

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Love this. Really love this.

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Speechless. Excellent.

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Obviously not a person to be trifled with. I hope the future holds more opportunities to get to know you better. You certainly have my respect.

thanks mar, patty, stacy and HB. i wrote all that lastnight...then went to bed and had long convoluted dreams about selling. giving away and trashing some very prized junk. oh i kept some...but i let some of it go (goldie hawn-no lie-bought a bunch of my shabby chic fabric). did i mention i am a junk collector?

and i dreamed of one of my babies again. an unnamed and composite baby...but one of mine...and he was sooo scrumptious. but the first thought i had on waking was..."where's my baby?'" for real. i was panicked..because we all know you don't just sleep in til 9:30 on a saturday with a baby about. and then i cried a bit because that is how i felt when Ethan died.

and i dreamed that while i was placing all this fabulous old crap out onto the curb ( at my amorphous husband's suggestion) i saw what looked to be a message i had written in a corner of the garage, scrawled in sawdust duirng a moment when i had been locked out of the house. and it brought back all the feelings of terror and utter abandonment i had felt during my first marriage after I had been hit or thrown out onto the lawn or would when i would be hiding because i was afraid he was going to kill me. literally.

whew i really stirred the psyche pot, eh?

thebitterlinguist replied to Seph’s comment:
Mar 17, 2007
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i am up for some trifling (from good folk like you). just not people who don't even know my shoe size, or have never brought me a cup of tea or who have lived Seinfeldian type existances (biggest problems revolve around dry cleaning beefs and arguments with the cable comapny).

goodness my typos are wretched this early in the morning...sorry my friends

HEY EVERYBODY.....I wrote this because I wanted to convey that while I am somewhat worn (like the Velveteen Rabbit) I am NOT A VICTIM. And I sort of felt Isak Dinasen-Meryl Streepish ("I had a farm in Africa" and understatement extraordinaire). Dang, I have done me some living and seen some things.

Like all of you.....I am not one thing or one label. I am not a victim of anyone else. I am a victor (even over my worst nature with the help of God).

I write that cause I don't want us to feel sorry for moi or get to focusin' on the tragedies or tooting my horn. As a journalist, I think all of our lives are a very readable if not compelling story and vox allows us, though we may never write "Out of Africa" to tell our life stories.

ALSO....sheesh I am bossy this morn....there are folks here and outside the blogosphere who will woo you and money from your pocket with their tales of woe and true grit. These folks are sluts. And though I may ocassionally act like a slut sexually with my husband, I am not a professional or personal slut. Don't confuse me with them. Palease.

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Seph replied to thebitterlinguist’s comment:
Mar 17, 2007
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It's time for spring cleaning. I find I get to do some of that in my head too. Some scars never heal, but if you remember to massage them once in a while to keep them from aching or stagnating, you learn to live with them and sometimes even be grateful for the reminder of your ability to survive. Dreams are a fabulous way for your psyche to give everything a good dusting and put it all back in it's proper place. Sounds like you had a hell of a spring cleaning last night! I offer you a tight hug and a cup of tea in the hopes that it cleanses some of that heavy dream/memory residue from you.

"Out of Africa" has always been one of my favorite stories. Now there was a hell of a woman and a role model! What more can we do than always work to carve out the best possible existence for ourselves and our loved ones with our bare and sometimes bleeding fingers? When I get to the end, I hope to have an extremely long list of victories, failures, good deeds, sins and adventures.

thebitterlinguist replied to Seph’s comment:
Mar 17, 2007
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thank you seph for the tea and strong arms. i like that aboutcha. and all the bad juju has been chased away. whew i did do some heavy lifting eh?

the boys and i are going to buy an xbox 360 today (they have even dug under couch cushions to raise enough $$$)...and though this means nothing to me it is a RED BANNER DAY for them.

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This is awesome. That's all I can say.

Seph replied to thebitterlinguist’s comment:
Mar 17, 2007
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Now that sounds like a good plan for the day! You should look for a multi-player game that appeals to you so you you can occasionally sit and play with them. It really is a silly good time.

thebitterlinguist replied to Tim’s comment:
Mar 17, 2007
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thank you T.....please tell me something scanalous and or wonderful about you

thebitterlinguist replied to Seph’s comment:
Mar 17, 2007
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they have tried to teach me to use the controller, but sadly I am like a chimp when it comes to such newfangled contraptions

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Great post.

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I've done some of the same things (including being so drunk on my 21st birthday that I threw a shoe at my roommate for no good reason, missed wildly, then spent ten minutes stumbling around on the grass trying to find it), but events around your last line tend to produce the strongest, most vivid memories. Or, at least the best stories.

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You are a survivor

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This is kick ass. Wonderful. Honest. Bare. True. Just fabtabulous.

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Really nice to have kindred spirits like you on vox. My challenge is now to turn all that pain and disappointment and just the general being kicked around by life into that fierce fighting spirit the way you have. Rather than feeling broken and inadequate and like a failure. You're most inspiring.

thebitterlinguist replied to Grumpy Geek’s comment:
Mar 18, 2007
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Ahhh, my 21st b-day....I believe shots of tequilla conspired against me. At some point in the revelry I decided it was a good idea to let everyone sign my arms with pen. Then I threw my back out on the lighted floor of a disco-slash-western themed bar I cannot remember the name of. I think some vigorous and over-excited fellow flipped me around in some sort of 50's-insired dance move. I then went to ER...drunk...drawn on and mewling in pain.

thebitterlinguist replied to MeeShell’s comment:
Mar 18, 2007
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thank you Mee.

thebitterlinguist replied to litchick’s comment:
Mar 18, 2007
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I think brokenness is a gift from God, and that the divine allows us to be broken not to show us who's boss or put a boot up our asses, but to pierce our hard crunchy shells so He/She can get in and do a little pruning. Of course we have to be willing to participate in the trimming process.
I think God likes us and our messes (He told me so...but that's another story).

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Brilliant post... you have been through too much, but you still seem to stand tall. You don't let the buggers grind you down ;)

Grumpy Geek replied to thebitterlinguist’s comment:
Mar 19, 2007
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I think God likes us and our messes (He told me so...but that's another story).

Now THAT'S a story I want to hear (not that the rest of your writing isn't wonderful).

thebitterlinguist replied to Grumpy Geek’s comment:
Mar 19, 2007
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I'll do my best...writing about "the still, small voice" and the Divine is dicey at best and fraught with pitfalls.

litchick replied to thebitterlinguist’s comment:
Mar 19, 2007
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I think brokenness is a gift from God, and that the divine allows us to be broken not to show us who's boss or put a boot up our asses, but to pierce our hard crunchy shells so He/She can get in and do a little pruning. Of course we have to be willing to participate in the trimming process.
I think God likes us and our messes (He told me so...but that's another story).

I can't wait to hear the story. I'm trying to figure out how to hear that still small voice. Seems it gets drowned out by the noise of my thoughts most of the time.

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Wow. Just excellent, BL. EXCellent.

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Can you feel that Dirty Harry emotional undertone to this? "Do ya feel lucky, punk?" Love this!

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I loved this! Although being underestimated isn't necessarily a bad position to be in strategically sometimes. ;-) So long as we always remember our Power. XO